Dear Riya,
I miss you
I grieve for you in every moment
I often think about the future you were building for yourself
And that memory alone illuminates all of my mistakes
All of my shortcomings
All of my barriers
When I think of you
I see you as limitless
I see you as powerful
I wish I had told you that when you were still around
I miss your laughter
It was free
Unafraid of its brevity
It seized the moment and enjoyed it
My laughter is as free as fear lets it be
It is afraid of itself
Because I am afraid of joy
I have taught myself to be content with the anxiety in my stomach
The pain throughout my body
The heaviness of my head
The wetness in my eyes
They make up my unstable, grey life
And whenever joy tries to enter
Everything falls apart
And I think of you
I miss your ideas
They were insightful
They were bold
My ideas have to pass through the turmoil in my head
And sit at the tip of my tongue
Waiting for confidence to grant them approval to enter the world
It rarely does
And when it does
The thought has already lost its passion
And it enters the world broken and flawed
I miss your optimism
You were confident tomorrow will be better
And you always fell asleep excited
Excited for the opportunities you would grasp
Excited for all the wonderful moments you were going to create
A mindset I will always miss and admire
I fall asleep thinking I won’t get to see the sunrise
I fall asleep thinking I will wake up to a harsher reality
I fall asleep worried I will dream of all the things I can never have
I fall asleep feeling unsafe
I haven’t slept peacefully in three years
Sometimes there are moments in which I think you are still here
It feels like you never left
But then I see your dusty tennis trophies
And the medical records saved on my computer
I see your backpack
And I remember you are gone
Leaving behind nothing but memories that become a little hazier every day
People don’t notice that you have left
They see me and think that I am you
Our faces are so similar
Yet our stories are completely different
I wish you were still here to tell yours
To live yours
But no matter how much I pray
No matter how much I wish
No matter how much I sacrifice
I will never be able to bring you back
Part of me finds peace in knowing that you were healthy and happy
What a privilege it is to be healthy
But part of me is also apologetic
Because I didn’t give you love or respect
I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you
I’m sorry I didn’t love you as much as I should have
I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you
I’m sorry I didn’t cherish you
I’m sorry for it all
I can’t give you the future you deserved
But I can try to accomplish the goals you made for yourself
I can try to be the person you aspired to be
I will do my best for you
I will try to become great in your name