It's currently 3:11 AM. I am extremely tired. I want nothing more but to go to sleep, but my anxiety has other plans.
I had a panic attack a few hours ago which then turned into an anxiety attack that has now lasted two hours. I have been doing a never-ending anxious spiral of thoughts about subleasing my apartment, my friendship problems, the tests I have to do for my doctor, my upcoming doctor's appointment. whether or not I am lovable, everything wrong with my personality, whether or not my therapist can help me, and of course, how I went from abled to disabled.
The worst part of this familiar cycle is not even the numerous demanding thoughts bouncing around in my head, it's this powerful uneasy feeling in my stomach that is a mixture of fear and nausea. My body is acting as if someone is in the room and I need to be extremely quiet and act as invisible as my illness, even though I am in a bed in a house with a good security system that is located in a gated community. I'd say the next worse thing is all the crying. It drains you to the point where you feel sick.
I wish I had someone here with me right now to hold my hand and give me a hug and tell me that they are so proud of me for making it halfway through this rough night and know I will make it through the rest. Unfortunately, the only person I have here with me right now is myself.
You might be wondering why I am posting such personal information. The answer is 1) writing always helps me alleviate anxiety and 2) there is a possibility that someone who reads this post is going to find all of this familiar- the sleeplessness, the panic, the anxiety, the loneliness, the crying, the never ending thoughts- and I want them to know they are not alone.
I want them to know that there is someone else out there who empathizes with their pain, who knows how hard it is to live with Anxiety Disorder in a world where mental illness is romanticized and ignored at the same time. I want them to know that there is someone else out there who admires them for making it through difficult nights like the one I am experiencing right now.
Don't give up. I won't either. We just have to take it one day, one night at a time. I have been in this position before, and I know I will get through this and get to eat Cocoa Puffs in the morning.
It is now 3:52 AM, so please forgive my poor and messy writing. Writing this blog post has definitely made me feel a little bit better mentally(physically, it has started up my joint pain again haha). I was going to end it by saying I'm impressed with my anxiety for producing something other than fear at almost 4 in the morning, but it wasn't "my anxiety" that produced this- it was me. Somewhere underneath these layers of uneasiness and worry, my resilience and true personality still persist, and they always will. They are enough to get me through tonight and every night after this one.