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Autism and Attachments

As I've said in my previous posts, I feel left in the dark with my autism. One thing I'm unsure about is attachments. I don't want to sound like Annie Wilkes (don't worry I won't kidnap or hobble anyone) but one celebrity that really means so much to me, is Scottish actress Ruth Connell - best known for her role as Rowena MacLeod in Supernatural.

This post is a bit of a hard one for me, some readers may think 'what's this post got to do with invisible illness?' - I apologise for my ignorance for assuming, but I'm going to try my best to explain. I became a fan of Supernatural in 2019 (I got the boxset for Christmas 2018 so yay binge watch!) and Ruth Connell came in at season 10, immediately I loved her. Anyway, her character of Rowena became my favourite and inspired me to include Rowena as part of my Original Character cosplay - the daughter of John Winchester and Rowena MacLeod. As a fan of the show, it would be a dream come true to meet any cast members (as it would be for any fan of any show) and I finally got that opportunity in September 2021 at a convention. I didn't get to meet the whole cast, but I did meet Ruth. Prior to the con, she was aware of my OC and very sweet about it. Anyway, back to the attachment. I promise I'm not trying to sound weird but the day that the convention ended, I was sobbing like a baby most of the day - most of it because I missed my Mum back at home (I don't like being away from her), and because I missed Ruth already. You know when a toddler cries at nursery/daycare because they want their Mum? That's kind of how it felt for me. I know I said this but I don't exactly know much about my autism diagnosis so for someone to make attachments (without the intention of making them) - is that on the spectrum? As that convention ended, I still managed to enjoy myself but I was just crying my heart out. My friends were telling me that I'll see Ruthie again, which I knew but the tears kept falling - I was having full on meltdowns, which I really tried my hardest to not happen (it ain't the best look on me). Ruth means so so much to me, I sort of see her as a second mother, if you know what I mean? Don't get me wrong, my Mum means the world to me and nobody could ever replace her but it's really hard for me to explain.

Anyway, I got to see Ruth again at another convention on the first weekend of April 2022. I was so excited! I went the whole Saturday without having a meltdown, I had my friend Megan with me and we may have spoiled Ruth a wee bit (she's worth it!) . Thankfully, my meltdowns didn't come out to play ... until the Sunday. I have no clue why they decided to play up, the day barely started! I think it was just an emotional overload. I calmed, then it started up again. I think it was because it was the last day of the con, I missed my Mum and it'd be a while until I saw Ruth again. Ruth saw me during a meltdown and she smiled and waved at me, she really is one of the sweetest people on this earth.

So how do my meltdowns affect me? You know on Harry Potter when the Dementors suck out your soul? That's kind of how it feels for me. The meltdowns just drain me. I cry and cry until I feel nothing and have no motivation. Emptiness. It's hard for me to compare my meltdowns at a con and everyday life because all my meltdowns hit me like a hurricane, they're unpredictable. But the energy that I have drops instantly. I just lay down and feel nothing.

How do I cope with the meltdowns? It varies! Sometimes I just lay down and stare up at the ceiling until I have the energy to get up, sometimes I’m so drained I have a nap to sleep it off, listening to music also helps to enlighten my mood. But what helps me the most is either having cuddles with my cats (when they’re not hiding under the table) to calm me down - and eventhough I’m not exactly a hugger (it depends on the person), being engulfed in a hug from my Mum usually helps to do the trick.

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