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Trying To Be Both

Updated: Nov 16, 2020

Being a mom is the best and most amazing role i’ve ever had. It’s rewards and milestones are something one can never truly grasp until you hold a parental role. For me it’s also the most taxing and self-diminishing role I’ve ever held.

Growing up I had the luxury of witnessing multiple mother roles. From my Grandmother and Mom, to my Tia and Aunt In Law and even my childhood friends mothers. Then came the mothers of my generation and I got to watch them tackle being teen moms and young mothers. All varied in how they did their job and how they also tried to balance life as well. I only witnessed a few with health issues and none of them actually talked about it. Being an Ill Mother is not something the average person shares. It has become and still is taboo if you can’t live up to Holly Housewife or Mother of the Year.

For me I’m trying to balance being a Good Mom and being an Ill Mom. Everything I do, comes with the added stress of my health and sometimes my health interferes with my motherhood role all together. My kids get to see how I need more rest than ever before. They hear me say “I can’t” because it will cause me pain later. Most days I push my self to the max to make sure they are happy and healthy but even my bare minimum is too much at times, if that makes sense.

Don’t ever take this as complaining, regretting becoming a mother or me hating my life in general. That’s the exact opposite of how I feel as a mother. This is me saying Being An Ill Mother Is Hard and bringing light to that. Trying to feed my kids causes pain, trying to feed myself causes pain. Waking early causes pain, kids wake up early and there is no exception. Running household errands causes pain and you’ll need to do that once or more a week. Balancing my appointments with school and baby sitters can make anyone else’s head spin. Let’s not forget all the mental anguish and guilt that comes with not being enough due to my ailments.

Let’s just say being both is not impossible but I’m being pulled in every direction and balancing is quite difficult. Its like life and illness is saying I have to be either/or but each day I battle to be both and and so far every moment is worth the fight. 💪🏽💙💛

This blog was written because it is my daughters 8th birthday yesterday (Sunday) and while I battle to be both versions and mesh them together my daughter just sees perfection in me and continues to call me The Best Mom Ever and that my “Effort and Love for her and her baby bother is enough”. So while I continue to love myself and who I am as a mom I encourage all my ill mothers out there to give yourself grace and to remember what you have to offer is enough! You are enough!!

-Belinda @thechronicallyillqueen

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