Updated: Oct 17, 2020
You ever look at yourself and think about who you are and how you view yourself? I’m sure most do. It’s something that eats away at the average person. We all have flaws only we see and feel.
Have you ever heard someone else’s negative view of you? Oh, I most definitely have and that is due to lots of fake “friends” and peers and even family telling me thier opinion of me.
For me, I see myself a certain way and I of course am not a fan. This is something I have had to work on quite often in therapy. This is something that has come up often in my relationship and my fiancé has always tried to reassure me that I’m not what I think I am. Draining...? Probably but he’s never complained and that makes me love him even more.
So, the other day, I was showing my fiancé a GIF of Anna and Elsa hugging because I had just sent it to my sister in law. He immediately laughed and said “You’re Anna!” which took me by surprise. I quickly responded saying, “you think so?” while genuinely confused as to why he’d think that I’d be Anna. I started to list her amazing qualities I see in her character and how I am certain I am nothing like that. “No, she’s very outgoing, passionate and strong. She’s brave, fearless and spunky. She’s quick-witted and always open to adventure, you really think I’m Anna?” All these things are qualities I do NOT see in myself, never have. I’m not sure why though because I have had adventures. I’ve made memories. I’ve dreamed of doing and having more but I still started to explain how I share more qualities like Elsa. Saying “Elsa is reserved, always afraid, always holding back, very closed off, very timid. She’d rather stick to being what others expect as opposed to being herself. She’s afraid to be herself”. Practically all of them are qualities I have seen in myself and believe I still hold. My Fiancé speaking over me a bit as I’m rambling and not realizing I’m ruining a very good moment, he says “Sure maybe some of those things you may share with Elsa, none of them are bad like you say they are.” This interrupts me from self sabotaging his moment of love for me and stopping me from hurting myself verbally and emotionally. Something he’s learned to pick up and graciously does because he hates seeing and hearing me be mean to myself. He finishes by saying “I see you differently than you see yourself, In my eyes you’re more like Anna to Me,” as he grins at me.
Now as I sit here, I’m realizing (due to the amount and type of trauma I’ve endured growing up) I was unknowingly denying him his own view of me. I tried to explain why he was wrong and why I am right. Which is insane to me. I’m in front of the man I love and while he’s telling me he sees me in a certain light, my instinct as someone suffering from image issues, is to try and unplug that light he has on me.
Why is it so hard for us as people to accept that we are more than what we think we are? Why is it so hard to accept that we have qualities we may not see? Why is it so hard to just accept that someone may see greatness in us that we do not see ourselves? Why? I’ll tell you why...
Your opinion is the loudest. It has been molded into you as you have grown up. From whatever you have experienced to what you are experiencing now. Every little thing you’ve endured in your lifetime has found a tiny crevice to live in and has grown roots into your mind and heart. Our opinion and whatever has attached itself to it can sometimes be the most deceiving. The opinion we hold about ourselves is the very thing we need to be sure is beneficial to us and not detrimental. If you find yourself like me, struggling to accept oneself and deflecting all possibilities of a compliment and real love even when you know darn well the person is being genuine, please know you’re not alone. After 10yrs and knowing how much he cares and has seen me grow, I think it’s safe to say he may know me just as well as I apparently think I know myself.
Which I can assure you doesn’t make you a bad person. This very hurtful thing is a type of self-harm i’ve picked up due to what i’ve endured. It is not my fault, your fault..It is so common for the average person to do this but so UNcommon for people to talk about it. These habits can be extremely harmful to oneself.
Now that I’m learning more about myself, I’ve learned I have opened up more this past year than I ever have. I’ve learned how to put myself first from time to time. I’ve learned so much about my illnesses and I’m still learning every day. I’ve joined this Non-Profit Movement, Invisible Wave, posting my singing videos on IGtV, talking openly about my struggles and my faith. Advocating for myself and my health. Sharing stories with strangers who suffer like me. Publicly putting myself out there to help someone else. Anyone else. I didn’t realize I’m capable of adventure and taking risks. I’m capable to being open and having fun. I’m loving and strong hearted. I’m open to change and working on myself more. I didn’t realize how brave I really am. How adventurous I am. How funny I am because apparently that’s just one of my fiancé’s favorite qualities about me, among many others. Something I am working on is focusing my own light. Making sure I Shine. But I can still be a bit of both sisters. I can be Anna and Elsa and that’s perfectly okay too.✨
This by no means, is me saying one personality or qualities are better than others. This is simply sharing my experience and views of myself and knowing others out there may also be struggling with self image.
If you find yourself having a hard time loving who you are, please ask for help. There are so many resources out there that can be beneficial to ones mental health and self image. You’re worth loving and living for! You are worth exploring and worthy or nurturing. Worthy of figuring out. No matter the opinion, yours, your loved ones, strangers, you’re worthy and don’t you forget it!