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Falling Apart While Holding it Together.

During my Nerve Flares my daughter sometimes just stares at me. Hopelessness in her eyes but amongst her fear she is also very attentive, brave and consoling. She loves to let me know She Has My Back! 💛

But while I’m already in the pain and it’s what my body is producing naturally, I’m also physically hurting myself to relieve that said pain. While I’m grunting and trying to deep breath and trying to hurt myself to distract the nerves, I’m breaking mentally and physically and showing it. Even though I express it’s okay to cry, I sometimes have a hard time crying. Especially when I need to be “Mom” and not let panic set in for my child and even myself because the pain is so bad. I’m deep breathing, managing, still talking the moment it’s passed and tolerable enough to talk. Conversations start where they left off. My daughter cries sometimes but wipes her tears and smiles her usual beautiful “mmmhm I’m a good daughter, I’m cute, I love me, I helped my mom” smile 😊 I just can’t help but realize that I’m Breaking Down but also Holding it Together all at the same time. Woah. Idk how or why, what, when or whatever but I just know I’m DOING it. I love my Kids, I love my Husband and I love that I have my support system. I hate being in pain, I’m miserable most times and it’s getting harder and harder to hide it but at the same time, my family is growing and learning with me and realizing this is what Mommy has to do, does or lives with and It’s Going To Be Okay, It IS okay. 👌🏽

So while i’m Falling Apart at times, more times than not I Am Holding It All Together!! 💁🏻‍♀️

Just like all of you, You have gotten through 100% of your bad days. In the middle of your flares and breakdowns, in the middle of the insomnia-tic nights and nap filled days you are Holding It All Together! In the midst of your pain and advocating, in the midst of your darkest days and managing what seems to be a shitty rollercoaster, you are Holding It All Together! It sucks that we have to. Sucks that this is what it comes down to BUT remember You are Worth Care and Worth Love! While you are Breaking down, You’re also Holding It All Together and that’s Badass! Keep Pushing On. It sucks 😭 But We Got This! 💪🏽✌🏿🤟🏼👌🏾🤗❤️

-Belinda

@thechronicallyillqueen

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