This week I just want to be honest about how I have been feeling, and I have been feeling like crap. My doctor's office has been delaying my treatment. My last few therapy sessions have not been productive. And my mental health symptoms have gotten worse.
I am starting to feel more and more unsafe; I feel like I am constantly in this anxious state with a high heartbeat. And it's scaring me. I don't think anyone ever completely gets used to having mental health disorders, and I feel like people don't talk about the guilt that comes with having them enough.
Due to my Anxiety Disorders and Depression, I have definitely not been cheerful this holiday season. In fact, I have been quite the opposite. My irritability has been really high and my mood has been really low. My parents keep asking me to spend time with them but I don't want to because I know I'm going to act irritated and sad, and I always end up feeling guilty for ruining the mood.
Part of me is worried that one day they will just stop asking me to spend time with them all together. I wish I could be a better daughter and provide better company, but I have no idea how to control the fact that my mind and body feel unsafe and like someone sucked all the happiness out of them and replaced it with irritation.
I wish I didn't feel depressed. I wish my heart was not racing all the time. I wish my legs were not always shaking. And I wish my mind was not always heavy.
I also wish I did not have to feel guilty for being me.