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Infinite Cycle of Unpredictability

As a Spoonie, this is how I see life now.

Unpredictable: Unforeseeable, the inability to be predicted.

Cycle: A serious of events regularly repeated in the same order.

Sounds like an oxymoron, I know but bare with me.

I also would like to say that I don’t necessarily want to compare my life to others because we all have our own struggles. That wouldn’t be fair of me. So I’m going to compare my old self to my new self in this one.

As the old me, I would have never advocated for the disabled. The old me would have never fathomed this pain being apart of my life. The old me would have woken up, got dressed and left. I would have wanted to do something and did it because my pain at the time was tolerable or for the sake of the blog prompt I’m sure the average healthy person would also just get up and go. The old me would laugh at the thought of changing my diet. I would have laughed at the thought of working out. I would brush off “the healthy lifestyle” for convenience and ease. I would NOT have thought about whether I can handle my daily activities or wonder how it would effect me, even with my previous health issues it still wouldn’t have held me from leaving my house or doing what I wanted.

The new me is now disappointed with the way I used to live my life. Now that I am worse off and in the position I am, I can no longer do the things I used to and I regret not being appreciative of the ease of my “previous life.” You never know who you are until you’re backed into a corner and see the changes you need to make. I for one am glad I have this new outlook on life. Despite my chronic illness being a vicious unpredictable cycle I can still say I am forever grateful for this new me.

Now let me dive into why I titled this the way I did. Being chronically ill means you have no cure. It means you deal with pain daily and it is a permanent part of your life. Being chronically ill means a different array of symptoms that present themselves when they feel like it. Different times of the day, for different durations and intensity levels. Chronically ill means one day you’re sure you’re dying and it’s the end and the next day you’re almost “normal” and seem fine until the next time your body wants to say something. This is the unpredictability I was talking about but the fact that this is something that will never end makes it a cycle. So therefore why I see life this way. I AM forever grateful for my eyes being open and learning how ignorant I was and I am so glad I no longer see life the way I did but I am sad and heartbroken that my new life or pain/struggles will never end. I will forever be this hurting hamster running continuously on my spinning wheel. ⭕️

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