I’m laying in bed, warm, completely asleep still but as I lay here I can feel myself consciously start to wake. I can slowly feel the line between my two large body pillows I’ve pushed together to lay on are moved apart. My hands and fingers hurt and tingle as if they too have been asleep all night but that’s because my elbows are bent with my hands loosely crossed over my body. My knees and elbows won’t cooperate because they are stuck in the position they are in. My ankles and feet feel as if I went walking around a theme park all day, sore and achey but if only that was the real reason. My neck is screaming as if I laid in the wrong position all night long. My eyes hurt as I start to slowly open them, even though I have light filtering curtains and the sun is barely even up. I can hear the shower water running from my husband getting ready for work and my dogs nails on the hardwood as he comes into my room sensing I’m waking up. My cat meows and climbs onto my bed begging for his morning affection forcing his little head under my hands so I can pet him. My son knocks on his bedroom door, asking to come out of his room because he’s finally awake. The sound from the tv in the living room traces down the hall as my daughter watches her favorite youtube channel. I can feel pain immediately upon becoming the slightest bit conscious, like death as my body tells me it’s mad I’m waking up. I start to move my legs in the bicycle motion under the covers to get them to wake with me. I move from side to side gently, slightly falling in between my two body pillows each time I turn over. The muscles and nerves in my back and legs ignite with pain as I move positions to get comfortable again. I’m opening and closing my hands and fingers to check how swollen my knuckles are and to get the blood flowing again. My husband finally comes out of the bathroom and says “good morning babe” as he turns only the closet light on to still be courteous of me. Then he lets my son out of his room and he runs to me screaming “morning mom, Luke sleep in Lukes bed” as he jumps on me not aware that I’m in so much pain I could die. I painfully hug him and accept all the morning cuddles, fighting through it all to be able to hold him. My daughters runs and jumps on the bed and says “you’re up momma, how are you feeling today?” I tell her the truth, “mommas hurting baby but i’ll be okay,” as they both run off then unconcerned about me because it’s frozen waffle and cartoon time. I still lay in bed, no where near ready to actually move. The pain takes over and makes me want to just shut my eyes and fall back to sleep because that’s when I don’t feel it. (sometimes) My husband kisses me goodbye and I say to myself “ alright, its time to get up, whether you want to or not.” Talking to my body as if I can coerce it to cooperate. My day begins.
Waking up every day for me is a blessing and even though I can be grateful for another day, it’s still never without pain.
How does one assess themselves upon waking? For me, it’s like checking each part of my body, not that i’m making sure it’s there, its more like how much do I actually feel that it’s there. I’m mentally rating my pain and how long I may need to finally muscle the strength to get up.
You ever wake and do that? The average human does not, they just get up and go but for me, it’s not that easy because for me, every. little. thing. hurts.
This is how a Chronically Ill and Disabled person wakes, with a painful and debilitating assessment. How do you wake?