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My Gains through Loss.

Thinking about my chronic conditions and how it has changed my life, I never actually thought it would affect me the way it has. That was the ignorance in me. It never crossed my mind when it came to my hobbies and daily activities that make me happy. I knew I hated it and I would dwell on it in different ways depending on the conditions effecting me in the moment but I never even thought about the other aspect. I didn’t think outside the box. I didn’t think about the pain of my different ailments combined and how they would ping pong off each other. How some areas hurt so bad like my hands and fingers, my neck or the brain fog and fatigue. The things I enjoyed consisted of Macrame, Cooking, Dancing, Playing with my kids, dates out with my fiancé. We’d go bowling, to the movies, mini golfing, out to dinner with friends. Now that I am ill, we can’t do more than half of these. I can no longer bowl, mini golf, I can barely sit through a movie. I can no longer dance or play most common things with my kids like catch or hopscotch. I can hardly sit through a dinner in a restaurant. Mingling at parties, forget it. I end up sitting in one spot and on my phone while others walk around, mingle and drink. Living this way has been sad for me at times, it’s been lonesome, i’ve had and still have a lot of self-inflicting guilt and I get embarrassed at times. I’m hard on myself and push myself. I feel like I have lost pieces of who I am and what made me fun. I feel like i’ve lost those things you do that make you happy. I feel like I have to be fun in other ways to stay relevant like my humor and conversations. I’ve had to adjust a lot and learn new ways to pass my time and make myself happy. It’s definitely different from the way things used to be. It’s definitely an adjustment but I’m finding exciting new ways to be happy. With my conditions I’ve gained more acquaintances, friendships and a whole new outlook on life. I’ve gained some skills to help me cope and deal with my mental health. I’ve gain opportunities and partnerships. More self-awareness and communication skills. I’ve learned to be more responsible with my health and decisions. I’m learning to appreciate life more and I’m definitely learning how to brush off the negative and not give a flying falcon about what others think. Overall my conditions have taken so much from me but it’s evened out with how much I’ve gained. It’s something to not only be mad at but be thankful for. It has its pros and cons. 💕

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