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New Reality

Hello! It's been a while since I've written. Struggling with chronic illness can easily make you lose focus on things around you. I definitely struggle with that issue. It seems that I am only continuing to become more burnt out as time passes. Maybe it just gets harder the longer I am on dialysis. With COVID the issue has only gotten worse. It took me a few weeks to take care of a toll bill. I wish I had better advice for how to overcome this but I am not quite there myself so unfortunately there's not much I can offer from personal experience. You can always try asking those around you to hold you accountable, but that will probably end in annoyance and frustration. Sometimes there's no easy answer! I want to be as responsible and ambitious as certain others but it can be very difficult. With chronic illness it seems like there's always something new to worry about. Since COVID started I've been to the hospital four times. The first time was in May for peritonitis. I woke up on a Sunday feeling not quite right. Throughout the day it got worse and I eventually went to the hospital for a few days. Strangely, once the infection was cleared I felt the best that I had in a couple of years. Not too long after I was out of the hospital I suffered from a strange bout of tachycardia and an inability to be active. This eventually resolved itself and I was able to function at a fairly normal level. The second time I went to the hospital it was because I had a fever and breathing pain. It turned out to be nothing but during these times you can never be too sure. We blamed it on the leek soup my sister had made, claiming that the breathing pain was gas pain. I was happy to be quickly out of the hospital. The third time I ended up there was the most exciting time. So many things happened. I got a phone call in the middle of the night the day after a major holiday telling me that a kidney was available for me! I freaked out a little and then showered and got my things together. I made it to the hospital a little while later and by 8:30am I was in surgery. (From what I remember) I woke up and I felt great! This was so unbelievable! The next day I had to go back into surgery because there was a hematoma. After that surgery I still felt ok. I was feeling super positive and cheery and sending out positive messages to my friends. I was ready to start this new chapter. After a few days I ended up in surgery again because of the bleeding. I had been doing plasmapharesis for the new transplant and this may not have helped the issue. After the third surgery I was feeling pretty uncertain about what direction this would go in. My blood was super thin at this point and my blood pressure was quite low. They kept trying to thicken the blood. It also seemed like I was having quite a few blood transfusions per day. So many different tubes going in so many different places. There ended up being a fourth surgery not too long after the third. The day before the surgery I woke up feeling pretty normal. It gave me a short-lived feeling of hope and positivity. At some point during the day my lower body started experiencing some type of contractions. It was mainly in my legs and the area around my incision. I couldn't stop them from happening no matter how much I tried to relax. The longer it went on for the more the pain started to grow. Eventually they realized that my magnesium was low and gave me some through an IV. Looking back I'm not sure if the trembling/contractions were from the magnesium or from the bleeding. My left leg swelled and the pain began to increase endlessly. They couldn't give me a decent dose of pain medication because my blood pressure was too low. That was the worst pain I ever experienced in my life and I'm glad that it's just a distant memory. After what felt like years, (when you're trying to