I cry because of the endlessness.
I cry because there’s nothing I can do.
I cry because of the pain.
I cry because this is what its come too.
The pain drags me down
and wraps itself around me.
My heart is heavy and my body is tired;
I search for meaning amongst my debris
My family are suffering too.
They no longer know what to say.
They tiptoe around the subject
But I know they’re wishing it away.
Another doctors office,
I start my story again.
Maybe this will be the one with the answer?
Maybe this will be the one to stop the rain?
Another hospital bed.
Needles, tests and blank white hallways.
Missing my kid, crying in pain;
how I spend my days.
My guilt as an absent Mother.
My tears at letting her down.
I might be breathing air
but I feel I’m about to drown.
I didn’t know I could survive this,
These new depths I’m navigating.
Another day, weeks, months;
Spent aching in darkness and waiting.
This has to be over soon,
I can’t take it any more
I feel my spirit shrinking,
My body dragging on the floor.
I will survive this for my sons,
I will survive for my daughter.
I will survive this for my husband
I will wait for my stillwater.
I will smile because it won’t last forever.
I will smile because I won’t have to pretend.
I will smile because I’ll have my life back.
I will smile soon because it will end.