We smile so we don't have to explain everything that goes on regarding our disorders. On the worst of the worst days, I still try and push through it with a smile while the pain, stress, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms slowly kill the person I once was. Having a chronic illness is unpredictable.
There used to be days that I would mourn that person I once was, and I would have given anything to have her back. I have always allowed my depression to speak for me, and I've failed to keep some relationships with whom meant so much to me. For that, I apologize to anyone I've hurt while becoming this new version of myself. I'm a work in progress, so bear with me here. Medications, chronic pain, and mental health issues can certainly change you. Change can be for the better. We learn as we grow and at times it can be an emotional roller coaster ride with no straight-lined path.
"But you don't look sick". How many times have you heard that one? From an outside perspective, it may seem as though we look completely fine, however on the inside we feel every single symptom. Keeping a positive attitude throughout this journey, has been something that has always kept me going. Admitting that I needed help was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew something was wrong. I knew something wasn't right. Taking that first step in starting the conversation was the best thing I have ever done for my own well-being. Developing a good relationship with my primary and specialists has been some of my greatest support. No matter how many I had to go through to find who works with me and who understands what I'm going through the most. There is this controversial stigma around disability, chronic illnesses, and mental health. Don't be afraid to use your voice! If you're living with a disorder or illness of any kind, reach out and lean on those who are there to support you the most. The ones who value you and make you feel good about yourself. You should not have to suffer in silence. Having a loved one or a medical professional that you are comfortable confiding in, can and will go a long way with whatever it is you may be dealing with.
Recently, I started school full time and in the middle of a divorce. Leaving a lot of stress and causing my symptoms to act up more(at least I notice them more). Until I took some of that control back for myself. It's easy to lose yourself when you are not in a positive environment or you surround yourself with those who can't really handle what you are going through. Although the past month has been incredibly stressful, it's also the best thing I have done for myself. I'm happy. Truly happy to be able to live a life on my terms(with a couple of low spoon days here and there). I am optimistic about what may lie ahead for me and excited for this next journey.
“Optimism is a mental attitude reflecting a belief or hope that the outcome of some specific endeavor, or outcomes in general, will be positive, favorable, and desirable. ... Being optimistic, in the typical sense of the word, is defined as expecting the best possible outcome from any given situation.”
The best is yet to come for you! Be optimistic, have patience, and always remain positive in your healing journey.