Preparing my younger self for the future.
Hiya Sweet Peas,
My name is Megh (Meghan, Meghzen) of www.meghzen.co.uk. I am a new blogger here, and I am so excited to be part of this amazing team of such inspiring people.
Dear Me before any diagnosis,
You throw yourself on your bed after a long day of high school, being 14 seems quite rough, but you think you know everything there is to know. You laugh at the people googling their symptoms and having time off sick from their studies due to any ailments, you're an achiever despite putting in little effort when it comes to studies, you're getting by and getting the grades needed to get in to Sixth Form and then University. Everything comes naturally. You have the boyfriend that is a year older than you, goes to a different school and hangs around with older people at the skate park, you're infinitely cool, and untouchable right now. But what people haven't noticed is that when you become defiant and refuse to take part in physical education, it isn't because you're a stroppy teenager with a bad attitude, it is because you're beginning to notice that you aren't quite the same as the other people in your year group, you feel a little foreign right now, but that is something that you'll have to figure out along the way, you aren't aware that these differences have a name. I sit forging my Mother's signature with the piece of tracing paper that I keep in my locker. "Meghan has been experiencing migraines and cannot take part in sports today." A lie that as you get older is no longer a lie, but you don't know that yet.
Around this time your Mum is in hospital and being sectioned for her mental health, after going missing for a week. You're starting to see that life is quite turbulent now, and notice that you feel sick to your stomach at the thought of having to socialise, you stop going to school and in turn start falling behind. But it is okay, you've been with your boyfriend for nearly a year now. This is the first time you ever put a sharp object to your skin. Laying in the bath with the blood draining from your thigh, dismantled disposable razor resting on the slim edge of the bath tub, you've got Sia's "Breathe Me" playing in the background, but it sounds tinny as you sink your head beneath the water, the burning in your lungs as you hold your breath and the sting on your thigh reminds you that you're alive. This wasn't the last time you did this, it became more and more frequent as time went on. It was then that CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services.) told you that you have severe social anxiety, and you began trying different medications. But by this point you're honestly panicking because your periods aren't regular like your friends, and you've noticed that your 'snail trail' is a little darker than theirs, so now the razor has another use, more body hair. You've started contraception now so the doctors say that this is the reason your periods are like this, stop worrying.
You and your childhood boyfriend have broken up now, and you've started dating a guy that has a 6 month old baby and is 3 years older than you. The sex is different now, not what you remember it to be. You've started to develop PTSD but you don't know that yet because it takes 3.5 years of abuse and a miscarriage to actually make you realise you have been tortured for so long, and at such a vulnerable and young age, but don't worry the engagement falls through and you escape in the end, the story still isn't over when you're 23, it is only just being investigated now. Your self harming is out of control, and you've taken yourself off of medication. It is at this point you start getting severe migraines and get diagnosed with Cluster Headaches and then Trigeminal Neuralgia, Sumatriptan injections is the norm now. But you have now found out that you have PCOS, this is the reason your hormones were so imbalanced before. Your IBS is getting gradually worse and you try and hide the constant urge to go to the toilet, it is embarrassing but the medication doesn't work so you don't bother. Don't worry, you'll tackle this years later after a severe flare up and several ambulance trips.
You're 20 now. And still getting 'growing pains' in your legs and your ankles are giving way a lot, the doctor just tells you it is because your bones are still young, and that you're slightly hyper mobile. He is wrong, you will get a diagnosis of EDS later and the pain only gets worse. You manage your PCOS now, and have managed to get your periods to become regular due to a lot of research, inositol powder, exercising and using the pill to control your hormones for a year. You only wear trainers due to your flat feet and ankle pain, your bowels are still unpredictable and causes you a lot of anxiety. You're settled on Zopiclone and Sertraline for your PTSD and anxiety now, that feels great. All of the problems that you are experiencing seem like too much to deal with at this age, and you're correct. Life hasn't been kind to you, but you have a lot of amazing people in your life and you're beginning to do your own research and take control of your symptoms, you're more medically aware than a lot of 20 year olds, but that is just the hand that you've been dealt. Your mental health has stopped you doing further education, but you have a good job and an amazing boyfriend coming your way, it all falls in to place.
By the age of 23 all but one of your issues will have a name, and you will have a handful of health professionals; you'll also know your GP, receptionist and the pharmacist on a first name basis, but they're pretty much family now. They know everything there is to know. You're in touch with the police and Women's Aid in relation to domestic violence and sexual abuse you experienced those years a few years ago, but your current boyfriend and dog will help you get through every single day. You're relying on iron tablets for your Microcytic Anaemia and Ensure Compacts (Liquid Nutrition.) for the IBD that is currently under investigation. You and your partner no longer use contraception because you are settled, and your periods are regular every month by using only natural methods and weaning your body from hormone based medication. You rely heavily on pain killers due to your EDS, and still live in trainers and Doc Martens due to your silly Hobbit feet! Every day tasks are quite gruelling and you've been given a 2 week sick note due to gastrointestinal investigations being done. You still feel guilty about letting people down even though you are educated on your issues, and that is okay, it is okay to feel guilty from time to time, it isn't easy running out of spoons. You take Amytriptaline for pain, sleep and PTSD, and you still take Sertraline just a higher dose, but your head is a lot clearer.
The best thing to happen to you will be your boyfriend Jack. There will be times that you want to escape and run home to your parents, but it is okay to be scared, you've been abused in the past, the flight or fight is very hard to cope with when dealing with a traumatic past in the present day. He will rub your body in the places that ache while telling you that you're beautiful. He will hold your naked body against his with passion like you are important, and a china doll that he wants to be gentle with. He will be able to tell when your struggling mentally, but won't ever gaslight you or make you feel guilty for being this way, instead he will hold your hand in the dark and encourage you back to the light, but in your own time. He will encourage you to ring the emergency line or make medical appointments when times are bad, rather than telling you to get on with it. And you'll be in awe of how much you love the bones of him as he follows the ambulance all the way to the hospital to sit with you for hours on end. He will come back from work to a messy house and me in the same pj's I have been in for 3 days, with no anger in his eyes. Instead he will take the dog for a walk, and not pester you to come along as he can tell without you even vocalising that you just aren't up to it. You lay awake until 2am watching him sleep, his chest rise and fall and question how the hell you ever deserved to get this lucky. The best medicine I have ever had, compassion, love and support. Nothing you say could ever thank him enough.
Thanks for reading, that's been en emotional one. I have no doubt I have missed a lot out on this post, but the brain fog doesn't help.