Trigger Warning: This blog is about my personal journey with Endometriosis, my Partial Hysterectomy and post operative recovery feelings.
I feel I’ve always been so angry when I first think about Endo and what it’s put me through. Angry with all the doctors and gaslighting I’ve endured. Angry with my high risk pregnancies and my babies safety. Angry with the fact that society deams it as “nothing but a painful period” yet I’ve had to have more than a handful of surgeries because of it. Then I become passive because I belittle my own experience at times and push off any deep feelings about it. I think “others have it worse.” I’ve had it since 14, so maybe it’s been a coping mechanism of mine. At times I’ve been a bit accepting that this is my life but that comes and goes for sure. Thinking about where I am today and what my body has gone through I can now add sadness and grief to the list of feelings.
On 7/14/22 I had a Partial Hysterectomy done at UCSF Mission Bay. Removal of Uterus, Tubes and Cervix, leaving my Ovaries. Going into surgery I felt only confidence that this is the right decision. Confidence that I’ve picked the right team and that I know I can no longer have children and that this is the best decision for me right now. Of course there was fear in there as well, fear of surgery and my kids being back at home, fear of this being the final decision and final moments with my uterus.
I’ve been in recovery for almost two weeks and let’s just say I have some mixed feelings about it all now. Looking at my incisions and my cut up belly button it makes me sad. Thinking about the 5 month long period I had between 2/3-7/14 with heavy clots, I can’t help but feel I failed. The Excision surgery on 2/3 was “supposed to help me” and it didn’t. I’m grieving because after all my efforts to keep my uterus, then all my advocating to have it removed..it’s actually gone. Knowing I can’t have kids and knowing l officially CAN’T have any more kids is different then I thought I’d be. Knowing the one organ that carried my two babies and the organ that just wouldn’t calm down is officially gone, brings feelings of emptiness. I’m told it’s normal to feel this way. While I hear that, it still doesn’t make it any easier to wrap my head around. Endo doesn’t care about how you feel though. It doesn’t care what it’s put you through. It doesn’t care what plans you have and how hard you fight. It just takes and takes and takes. It takes your happiness, your dreams, it takes your organs and along with all that it tries to take your self worth. It, in a way, took my Womanhood I feel. If that makes any sense to anyone. I thought my advocacy to have it removed and the need for it based off my case would make it easier to handle the loss…but it doesn’t. Nothing prepares you for something like this and what’s crazy is my journey still isn’t over. Endo isn’t gone just because my uterus is and that also brings sadness.
The 14yr old me didn’t think this would have been my journey but the 32yr old me is trying to adjust for the both of us.
I just wanted share what I’m feeling because I don’t see it being talked about all that much.
Until next time