I lay here in bed, in pain and fatigued from my ailments, working through multiple symptoms wondering when this flare is going to lighten its grip and let me go. I hear my kids in the other room playing, laughing, fighting, being kids. I hear my fiancé walk around the house being a dad and tending to the house. I hear his voice as he chats with our kiddos. I hear my pets playing and being crazy. The cats fast running down the hall and large nails from my dog following him. I smell bacon, coffee, eggs and hear Mickey Mouse Club House on the tv. While my family carries on being a family, I’m stuck in bed with my health issues. This feeling of being a useless member is so overwhelming it breaks me down some days.
As a mom, I feel I should be helping tend to them. I should also be able to love on them, feed them, bath them, get the things they need, keep them safe and just be with them. As a fiancé my job is to love him first in every way, be his equal, be here for him and help him be an awesome father. If I can’t do these things..if I can’t do the only jobs I have left then what’s the point.
These thoughts run through my head each time I have a flare that keeps me down. Each time I’m bedridden and overwhelmed by my symptoms.
Today I asked my fiancé for a smoothie for breakfast. As he’s making it, he’s also playing and tending to the kids. He’s also doing laundry or sweeping and while he does this I can’t help but feel the need to get up and help him. Who doesn’t like help..? He immediately becomes upset though and not because he feels I don’t trust him. Not because he is overwhelmed by the kids but because I’m not listening to my body and I’m putting myself in harms way. He then makes me lay down again but as I lay here, I FEEL useless. I battle myself every minute because if I don’t do my duties, if I don’t help my household and be a contributor then that’s more stress and work for my little family. As a Mom and Chronic Illness Warrior these are the thoughts running through my head. These ugly and demeaning thoughts.
Mom does it all. Mom cleans, cooks, organizes. Mom knows where everything is, mom has a specific way of doing things. Mom is the caretaker, the errand runner, the grocery shopper. Mom kisses the booboos and gives the best hugs. Mom sets the table and runs the washing machine. Mom is Mom. Now I know not all households have that figure and that may be your life but in mine, in my house..I’m Mom, I’m that person they all depend on. So once more..who am I if I cannot do those things?
I am a Mother who manages multiple Chronic Conditions. I’m a mother that along with my pain I am laughing so my kids hear that instead of crying. I’m a mother who gets up and makes food so my kids see that mom powered through so they could eat. I’m a mother who tries to plan ahead so I’m not overwhelmed by my own duties just so I can wiggle in time for them. I’m a mom who makes it work all the while feeling like shit inside. I’m the mom who puts her kids first and puts herself on the back burner. I’m the mom who feels like a burden just trying to fight to be able to contribute to my household all so I can feel like I have a place in my house.
People don’t talk about these things. These hard and ugly feelings. These deep dark feelings that come with being a Chronically Ill Mom. These intrusive lies that I’m not good enough the way I am. These unwanted thoughts that not only aren’t true but are so full of shit it’s crazy that illness can do this to someone. This is the Burden that Chronic Illness places on someone. On a mom just trying to be a good mom and do her best. The Burden I feel every flare.
The feeling of being a Burden is Real.
-Xoxo The Chronically Ill Queen