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The Reason I Am Disabled


The question that plagues our mind since childhood. Human beings are deep thinkers, they want to know the reason behind every single phenomenon. And consistently hearing the cliche, "everything happens for a reason" certainly feeds this desire.

Why did he text me "Kk" instead of "Ok"? Why did that person not wave back? Why did my favorite restaurant mess up my favorite dish today? Why is he late? Why is she giving me that look? Why are stars so beautiful? Why are possums so ugly? Why was I born into this household? Why is the world so cruel? Why is God not helping me?

Why did I have to become chronically ill?

Sometimes, the answer is pretty clear and doesn't require much critical thinking. Other times, we never find out the answer. A lot of us are still pondering why and how we ended up chronically ill, and saying that not knowing the answer makes us uneasy would be an understatement.

I could write about what not knowing why I'm chronically ill did to me personally- I could write about how I lay on the temple floor and cried, how I would call my ex-boyfriend at five in the morning talking about how I cannot handle the fact that my body is no longer healthy, all the things I have thrown at the wall, all the times I have screamed, all the angry poems I have written, all the times I have cried, etc- but this would turn into a book(maybe I will write a book one day, who knows...).

Basically what I have learned from this tumultuous ongoing journey with not many known answers is that when we don't know the reasoning behind something, we have the gift of creating our own. I'm tired of wondering, so today I am going to attribute reasons to my chronic conditions, reasons that bring me hope rather than bringing me down.

I developed fibromyalgia so I could become more empathetic. I judge less now. I listen more. I care more. Now I know everyone has a story that I couldn’t possibly understand, and I didn’t fully grasp that until I had to greet people with a smile on my face while my entire body was numb with inflammation and excruciating pain.

I developed anxiety disorder so I could learn that I am capable of more than I know, that people in general are capable of more than they could ever know. Not to sound cocky, but sometimes I feel like if I can have a panic attack, survive the panic attack, and then immediately walk into a class and score a 94 on an exam, then I can do anything. To anyone reading this who has anxiety disorder, as someone who was once mentally healthy, I know people don’t understand. They may never realize the struggle or strength it takes to survive the panic attacks, the fevers, the stress headaches, the irrational thoughts that NEVER shut up, the heart palpitations, the muscle aches,the self-doubt, the nausea, etc, but you better not undermine your strength or the struggle because of others’ lack of knowledge. You have survived so much, and you have the power to get up every single time you fall down.

I developed PCOS to learn that beauty standards are indeed baseless. I had to go through this harsh journey to learn that even after gaining over twenty pounds, growing hair all over my body and acne all over my face, people are still going to look me in the eye and tell me I’m beautiful and make me feel beautiful. Also, I have no option but to be unique in a society where everyone is trying to look the same. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

I developed all of my other health issues(I have more, but not much more strength in my joints to talk about all of them) so I could become more creative. All of the emotions I have felt have created a bunch of blog posts, paintings, and poetry and in the process I have learned to appreciate art more. I’m pretty grateful for that.

These may very well not be the reasons, but I’m tired. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of assuming. I’m tired of losing sleep over something I will never know. A lot of famous authors have written about how things become easier to cope with if you look at them differently, so I- a not-so-famous blog writer- have decided to do that.

When there are no answers, come up with your own, and set yourself free.

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