The Weight of Recovery
As I sit here hurting beyond what any human should go through, I can’t help but feel like no matter what I do it’s never enough. Mental Health and Chronic Illness go hand in hand.
“You’re a Burden.”
“You’re Worthless.”
“You’re Incapable.”
“You’re a Lazy Mom.”
“You’re a Bad Mom.”
“People see you as incompetent.”
“You will never amount to anything.”***
“You can barely put in time for your own business.”
“You aren’t enough.”
“You will never be enough.”
Over and over they play like a Zoetrope. Constantly knocking me down. Even more so during recovery/post op and my horrible flares. Like it knows I’m already down, so it’s says “Let’s kick her!” Just to add dirt to the wound.
I’m 3mths 27 days post op from my Spinal Cord Stimulator Implant Placement Surgery and 14 Days Post Op from my Revision Surgery for said Implant. I was barely clear of full recovery from my placement surgery when my device shifted and moved out of it’s designated pocket, forcing me to undergo another surgery. Yet these are the feelings and words that run through my head. As if I need these whirling around during a time when I am trying to get better. It takes a toll mentally and can then hurt physically.
I’m hurting from a foreign device in my body and yet I’m feeling like I need to do more. Like what I’m doing to contribute to life, it isn’t enough.
I’ve had 3 Back Procedures in less than 6mths. One more surgery (reproductive) set for the 3rd of Feb. That’s A LOT for one body. More than the average person has in a lifetime. Yet I’m feeling this way. I’m tired of carrying the weight of these thoughts and this demeaning way of thinking. I can’t place exactly where I got these thoughts from. Other than one quote in particular which has been said to me.** I feel like it’s a collective of family, society and self development. I’m aware of myself when it’s happening but it’s not stoppable. I have yet to develop skills strong enough to stop the thoughts from taking hold, it weighs heavy and I definitely want to put some of it down. Especially during some of the toughest moments in my life.
On one hand I’m pushing and powering through surgery and procedure after surgery and procedure. Symptom after symptom. Trying to self love and self care. Trying to get better. On the other I’m Me and wanting to have fun, live life, run a decent business and enjoy my little family. I’m struggling to find balance between it all. I just want it to weigh a little less.
Mental Health Tip: I found that for me; writing the “bad” thought/s down and counteracting it what I am actually doing helps a micro bit. Ie. (My real journal entry.)
1:) I’m feeling Lonely.
Fact: My hubby is calling me daily and sometimes multiple times a day to check in and remind me he loves me.
2:) I’m Bored out of my mind and it’s making me Irritable.
Fact: That’s valid. I have limited range of motion and am supposed to be resting (stuck in bed.) Being bored is okay. Breathe. It’s your pain making you irritable.
3:) Non-Productive and Lazy
Fact: I’ve posted daily to my Business Ig and Etsy shop. Im creating in bed and between resting. So I’m technically working and being productive even in the midst of recovery.
I am finding when I write down what I’m feeling and what my thoughts are trying to tell me and counteracting it with the truth and with validation that I’m okay and will be okay. This is a tool I learned from my last therapist Eileen whom I miss dearly but am grateful for the two years her and I had together. I still struggle and some days my journaling and writing doesn’t help and that’s okay too. But making an effort is what counts and what’s truly going to get me though overall.
I hope this resonates with someone as I’m sure I’m not the only one who is rough on themselves in times when we should be the most loving. It’s called Rest and Recovery for a reason. Allow yourself that. I know I’m trying. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Until next time XOXO
-Belinda
@thechronicallyillqueen