When I first got sick, I was isolated. I fell into a deep depression and stayed in my bed for months. I became an absent parent, significant other, daughter, and friend. It was difficult for me because I am dealing with so many different things all at once and don’t understand why this is happening to me. All I can think of is, it’s just not fair. For awhile I would only show the good parts of my life, because with social media that's just what people do.
I suffered in silence while I watched my world begin to crumble. I worry about death...a lot more than I should. Because I have coded a couple of times a few months ago. I was revived, scared, and lost.I had a blood clot to the main artery in my right lung and it was not dispersing. The doctors could not find where it was coming from.After much testing, come to find out that I have a blood clotting disorder. That leaves me to take blood thinners for the rest of my life and having to be cautious with bleeding, bruising, and vitamin K intake.
With my POTS lately I feel I have had more flare ups lately. I’m scared often when I pass out. My greatest fear is my kids finding me the one time I pass out and not wake back up. Why is this happening to me? Why am I on so many heart medications that give severe side effects and I’m still having the same problems for why I’m prescribed them? Why do I have dystonia and spasmodic torticollis? Why am I being told over and over that I have autoimmune and chronic inflammation, but no answers as to why? Why am I always in pain and gasping for air? Why me?! To be completely honest.... The way I see the world compared to others without a chronic illness, isn’t much different. Everyone has struggles. Everyone has worries and things they think about constantly. I’ve never met anyone that was perfect, have you?
Add on the outside stressors in the world to every day life and symptoms, it is one chaotic thought at a time. I am depressed, stressed, have so much anxiety, and my mental health is not being cared for the way I should be taking care of myself. In the summer my symptoms worsen with Lupus, and I guess that is why everything else likes to go haywire. Some days I feel as if it's just me in my own little corner of the world. No one truly can understand or fathom what people with chronic illnesses battle day to day. There are some days I feel like I can conquer and some days I simply just can't. Knowing that there is a community dedicated to us with support, is incredible. I have met so many people through IWM and beyond grateful that during these times, I have some place I can go when I need it most.